The NA meeting was a line by line meeting of Step 6 and 7.
One of the lines that stuck out for me was about rebelling. It may or may not be obvious, but I know a little bit about rebelling.
If you tell me to do something, I will want to do the complete opposite in the most majestic way possible.
I skipped meetings yesterday so I could spend the day with my dad. I felt a little weird at the end of the night; kind of like my day was incomplete. I went to bed a little frustrated. I had structure to my days and I liked it that way.
When I woke up this morning, I didn’t read the daily meditation or reflection. I went to a friend’s place for coffee before a noon meeting. As soon as I walked into the meeting, I didn’t want to be there. As soon as people started talking, I was irritated by everything they said. The topics chosen were about one incident or one person. I went to the back porch to smoke while I waited for my ride and barely spoke to people who tried to talk to me.
It wasn’t until we began to read at the NA meeting did I realize how I was beginning to rebel against the good voice in my head. I was actively looking for things to hate about these programs so I wouldn’t have to do it anymore. This is what I do when my motivation to stay sober is at its lowest.
The daily meditation for NA began with the Third Step Prayer.
“Take my will and my life. Guide me in my recovery. Show me how to live.”
Jesus take the fucking wheel, because I am clearly too messed up to drive.
At the end of the NA meeting, I realized how the other voice in my head, the addicted one, was trying to run the show. Realizing that allowed me to feel a bit better. I had more control over the inner addict. I could identify when it was getting more power and shut ‘er down.
I left the meeting feeling lighter. The night is just going to get better.
vodkatoxic 